I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
