My liver just broke up with me...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
