yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
