the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
