Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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