dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
