I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
