she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
