I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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