My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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