WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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