uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
