The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
