How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
