does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize