Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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