for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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