Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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