I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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