I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
