At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
