I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I want to fling myself into the sun
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
