My sheets look like a crime scene.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
