I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize