i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
