Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
