why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
