Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
