Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
