Yo dont text me then not text me
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
