I can tuck mytits in my pants
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
