He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm sobbing to NWA
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
