Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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