Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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