Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
