This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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