Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
