I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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