Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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