My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
