I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
