If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
