Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize