Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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