just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
