I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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