so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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