I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
