he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
