I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
