put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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