Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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