I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize