What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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