I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
my poor anus
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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