I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
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