I'm going to jail i love you
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
