she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
